After last night, I have come to the conclusion that I will not be drinking for a while. If there is one thing I’ve learned about drinking (or whatever else you might do to have fun), you should not drink if you have personal issues going on. Whether it is just personal issues in your head and nobody else can tell, or things that maybe everyone and their mothers knows about, you should only drink to heighten happiness, never to create it. And in all honesty, I was not drinking to create happiness this weekend. I am almost always an extremely happy, excited, and pretty eccentric person. What I didn’t realize was how severe my loneliness has gotten. I’ve been single for about 10 months now and have only recently started to feel lonely.. AND NO MATTER HOW HARD YOU MIGHT HIDE YOUR PROBLEMS FROM THE WORLD… there is no hiding them when you’re drunk. Now if you’re talented like me, you can probably keep yourself together for a while when drunk. Well, I was drunk for 3 days straight and that’s where my skills hit a pathetic brick wall.
I was pretty damn good! Drunk and loving it! I got wasted for my best friend Kristen’s birthday at my favorite bar in South Tampa called Hyde Park Café. Then we went bar hopping and I just had a grand ol’ time. I didn’t make it home that night; I didn’t want to be alone…
Hangover from hell! Was in bed sleeping till 5:30pm when my friend Michelle texts me to get up because we’re going to go to the Gasparilla Night Parade. Well we couldn’t find parking so instead I end up in South Tampa again! This time we started off at the Lodge. We got there at about 9pm and got food and drinks before the bar scene crowd started pouring in. You could tell when the Lodge was going through the night life transition because suddenly you see more people standing than sitting, the music gets substantially louder, and the final touch is the Go-Go dancer that comes out on the high rise. We stayed at the Lodge then went to MacDinton’s with some friends and Mangroves after that. While I wasn’t wasted or even really drunk, I was definitely good. Michelle and I ended up having to take care of our friend Anna, which was fine, I didn’t mind. Michelle then stayed the night. All in all, it was a pretty good night.
Pool day. Anna is such a trooper after her escapades the night before. We go out to my pool and get pretty wasted. Very fun day. Night comes and we get food. Anna leaves, my roommate and her friends leave, and before everyone is completely gone, I try to get someone, anyone, to come over. Trying to think in my mind and narrow down possible applicants, I realize pretty much none of them will work to my liking. Honestly, I wanted to cuddle the fuck out of someone! But in my mind, even when drunk, not many people fit the bill for what I want.
1) If they come over they can’t expect sex.
2) I don’t want anyone who would think that this is anything special or to expect more from it.
3) I don’t want someone who if I lost as a friend, would hurt me emotionally.
4) I don’t want to ask and seem desperate.
Not many people fit…
I was texting a friend and the moment I texted about cuddling, all text conversations deceased. I had just been completely shut down. Suddenly, everything I had been hiding away from the world for the last few months starts bubbling out of me and I can’t help it anymore. I am completely and utterly alone, crying in my room, dying inside from the lack of testosterone attention I’ve received for the last 8 months (NONE). Sad, pathetic, alone, pissed, and eating a box of Godiva chocolates, I cave. I send my ex-b oyfriend Madon* (whom I haven’t said a single word to in over 6 months and is listed under Dumb Fuck in my phone) a text from my new phone number.
Truthfully, I couldn’t care less about Madon. I don’t miss him, love him, or even like him whatsoever anymore. What I DO miss is how we were, how stupid we were together, the special relationship that I had with a person. Our relationship was mix of tragic punk rock songs and the movie The Notebook. It was just the fact that such a relation existed in my life that made me miss its existence. And while I thought of all the pissed off things I could say to him for what he did to me back then, the only thing I could type out on my phone was… “I hope you get everything you ever wanted.” That’s all I could say. He later texted back, “hey, who is this.” No reply obviously. I’d be shocked if it even momentarily crossed his mind that it could be me.
Then, I picked up my computer, and wrote out the rant that I most desperately needed to say, and posted it to tumblr. All this just because I miss being special to someone. So, until I have moved passed this loneliness that has fallen upon me, I will not be drinking. I do not need a repeat of last night. I don’t like breaking down.